a girl and her dreams

I started lucid dreaming as a very young child. One would think that it was all roses having this gift, but it was actually rough start coming into this world. My self realization happened early, and it was I was happy in my dreams. Finding out I was in a human body on the other hand – that hit me hard. It was sort of like an awakening from the unconscious after being on life support for a long time. And like coming out of a hospital and experiencing the same shock as one would if they were to return to normal life.

I tried to stay in my dreams when I dreamt. My entire life has become a long road to recovery, and at times I am at peace with my past which was clearly traumatic. Other days I am still a little torn up from being jolted into this body. At the end of the day, like my favorite auntie says, “we’re all just walking eachother home”. Ya hopefully – I have my doubts sometimes.

If I am sincerely honest, I am actually honored to have “found myself” in this human experience. While it definitely has some rattling emotions, it also has stunning sunsets, wild adventures and amazing moments. I just think it’s important to acknowledge (for myself) that “coming here” meant saying goodbye to my tribe, my life partner and my world. I feel torn. I feel lost. I feel far.

This is how I am showing up and where I am coming from. I need help and support, it’s just me. My mom always supported that I was a big dreamer, and it wasn’t easy for her, hands down. Thankfully there are some absolutely profound therapists, healers, writers, experts, etc. that I have had the privilege of knowing. They have helped me to ground myself down even through crisis and remember who I am when I have nearly forgotten.

I have been able to hold on to hope that I will find my way home. I have trusted my heart to be my compass when I have seriously lost my way. I have restored the love for myself and learned to forgive and move past major mistakes and failures. I have accepted this life and I protect my family, my blessings, my dreams with my life.

I had a mentor at 12 years old, a gift from my mom, she supported my mystic vision. I write more about my mentor in my intro here where I share how having that guidance prevented a lot of complete disasters. She helped me heal from past lives (or the past in my life if that resonates better) and I think a lot of my personal development went well because of that mentorship.

A lot of my self-fulfilling prophecy has been carefully crafted through yoga philosophy, diet and nervous system repair. I have a background of training in regression therapy and transformational healing, especially around childhood trauma. I have chosen to remain focused on healing, which has been difficult as a single parent with little financially. My emotional wealth has only continued to increase as I work things out through dreamwork. I have learned to be gentle with myself, removed ties with anyone or anything that doesn’t serve me, and prioritize the slow life. I’ve often been in flight or fight mode, but in the last decade I have slowed down, set boundaries and stayed grounded. And now when I feel pushed, coerced, bullied, triggered or preyed upon, I recognize red flags and warnings – I can shift direction calmly and hold my own.

I am writing more on dreams in a book that I have been finally able to work on after 45 years of working my way through survival mode. Surviving is beautiful, I am not resentful about my own struggle because I know that “this body” is a human version of myself. There is more to me, in fact I liken this lifetime to a butterfly going through metamorphosis – it is just one stage of existence – and life is somewhere in the middle of the two most important moments: birth and death (which are both so beautiful).

It comes down to this: Some parts of this life have been mystical and ethereal for me. Some have been traumatic and extremely depressing, I can’t lie. Of course sometimes I wish I had a life that was easy, that I was ridiculously successful, relatively perfect would actually be nice. But those are pipe dreams that happened because I lost my autonomy as a teen for several reasons (another blog though) and it’s a lot harder to build it back up than it is to lose it.

The definition of success has changed for me multiple times and over the course of many failures. I have adopted imperfectly perfect versions of myself and fallen in love several times over. It has been nothing short of amazing but also crippling, even paralyzing at times. Nevertheless, I am constantly recognizing that I am blessed with dreams and for them I am perpetually grateful, and at the end of the day that’s why I am here: to share “my gift”.

Dreams have helped me to understand why I landed in the family that I did, they have been a medium of communication between me and my higher powers, my ancestors, my tribe and otherworldly places where others like me exist in other realms. Dreams have helped me to keep an open heart and open mind, while also empowering me and strengthening me in areas I have been weakened. There have been times where I have worked really hard to improve my understanding of this physical world – then my efforts have led to experiences in the dream world that have shifted my reality – and that has been super rewarding. Part of being a dreamer and a mentor of metaphysical healing, has been the not so simple challenges of relationships as well as experiences that come with being a social creature. As a child my dreams were already carrying messages to me that made me conscious of the fact that even though I had this phenomenal gift of dreaming, I was not exempt from mental health issues, stressful family dynamics. I again, I attribute these uphill battles to a carnal cycle of rising from suppression. My curiosity about society led me through many places and cycles that were often unsafe and even dangerous; however, my innate wonder brought me through passages where I could explore these unmet needs, involuntary responses, and difficult behaviors in my own protected dreams.

There have been times, such as my adolescence, where I had to retrain my brain, my mind and my heart as well because of factors such as intergenerational trauma. Every single one of us is completely different and unique, some of us are neurodivergent, like me. While we are all essentially built relatively the same, trauma can cause someone to become more sensitive and fragile than “before”. And not all of us are wired the same which means there are higher risks for someone who has experienced trauma. I knew this was true about myself as just a very young child “moving in” to this world. Not only did I carry my ability to dream and produce an inner sensorium, but I also brought strong, intense intuition. A highly sensitive soul already, I could see the burnout ahead before I had even experienced cognition. My first dreams were like premeditations of what this life would hand me, and every facet of this life has been a part of the architecture of my childhood dreams.