I had a dream about the gang that’s always in my dreams, but this time they weren’t anywhere near me, it was just me and the “man of my dreams” that isn’t the man of my dreams but is always in them for some crazy reason.

I travelled to Vancouver in this dream, it was a WBTB dream, wake back to bed method dream. I’ve been waking up just around 3am for weeks and weeks because the amusement fair was in town for 3 weeks setting up, partying and then of course the rides for an entire long weekend. That wasn’t the only thing that has paused my dream states, there was this dream <that I unpack in a video in that post – that also threw me off. I think I finally understand it all, this cycle. Please God do not let there be another one. I’ve been over him for decades. Please.

So I ended up dreaming in Vancouver on a very grey day after I got back into bed around sunrise. The dream initially came across as just a little scene in my imagination that nothing would evolve from, and then it was like I started to come back to consciousness from a coma – is what it was like. I began to hear voices, then I identified one of them – his. I could feel more autonomy, emotions were rising, I could make out the ocean and a window and though it wasn’t my normal, it was normal, someone’s normal. The house I was in was boring, sorry, no judgement – I just don’t like everything totally grey, it’s depressing. And Vancouver is already so grey with so many grey houses inside and out everwhere, like…why??

For whatever reason, I was there and supposed to be there, and him and I started a full-on conversation that I wasn’t really part of, I was only able to feel my feelings.

If you’re wondering who “him” is, it is the same guy that’s been in my dreams for way too long to calculate. The him in all the dreams I have been writing about for months here (because apparently, I’m just going to dream about this guy forever) and it’s not like he was ever my boyfriend.

The first posts of my blog are about him and his friends, “this crowd” and now I call them a mob. For fun.

So I was with him in the kitchen and every room of the house and we were communicating. He actually also had an ex-girlfriend in this dream. How convenient right? As if reality isn’t complicated enough. I have to dream what happens in reality all the time.

He had a big house on the ocean and was pretty wealthy, from his windows I could see million-dollar views on his side of the house. You know what’s scary? His house is likely the house I dreamt of which is freaky, likely, but wouldn’t surprise me. What is likely not real is the ocean surrounding the house in this dream. It was magical. Almost like anime, so detailed and beautiful. I could hear it, I could feel it, it was so deep, frame by frame changing like a stop motion but fast enough that it was still – real.

His ex “stopped by” and was talking about camping, she was making her way from the garage to the bathrooms, up the stairs where I had come from, back down to the garage, then the laundry room. On and on she went and he just responded like he knew what to say, like he had a script. Once she realized I was there her personality almost transformed and now she was trying to distract him from me, she changed her clothes, her hair, did her makeup, and made many attempts to get deeper and more intimate in conversation with him. She was talking to him like I wasn’t there, bringing things up about family plans they were making way down the road. And I think he gave a clear message that he didn’t want her there. And she left.

Once her energy was gone, he seemed less anxious. I stood in the kitchen looking out the window at the waves and then migrated to the living room facing northwest and they were different waves. I made my way back to the kitchen and he was awkwardly standing near the fridge. I made eye contact with him, and while our eyes fixated on each others eyes (that sounds weird) there was a slight curiosity in both of us as to whether the dream was real…at all. He just looked at me. I realized that he had almost shown affection, in fact I recalled (in my dream, in that moment) that we were hugging in the kitchen. I even sat on the counters at one point and wrapped my legs around him, but when his ex-girlfriend came over, it ruined the moment…and I forgot what we had shared. Or maybe I blocked it out in fear of her.

We didn’t talk after we locked eyes, he didn’t even open his mouth again, but he kept his eyes on me. I was now becoming very aware I was dreaming and what exactly what happening, I was starting to feel sad that he was just a part of me that I was healing, and that this was a memory playing out the beginning stages of a relationship we never ended up having.

It became very clear that it was time to start ending things and moving on for real. No more dreams of him. No more dreams of the mob.

Without saying goodbye, I showed myself out of the house and looked around at where I was on my dream map – I was on a highway. Memories of my past life came flooding (for another blog, or even my book) and my dream “theme” shifted from this guy to my soul mate. I wished I could find him. He would understand everything.

“The program” in my dream also changed – the buses and bus stops were places I could stop to alter my dream state. When I saw the “right” bus (or bus that would take me to my soul mate, take me home) I tried to get to the stop in time to catch it. The driver flashed his headlights from at least one stop away, and I made it to the stop on time, but the bus ended up stopping on the other side of the road, just my luck.

I figured I wasn’t supposed to get on the bus (yet) and I went back to the house. The grey, depressing house.

Now alone in this big grey house, I called my mom’s trusted friend, who I have had a healing dream of before. She’s so wise, I thought, she’ll know what to do.

While on the phone with her, I walked around the house explaining my feelings and what was going on, I didn’t hear my voice clearly or hers, but I made sense and she responded in her coach like way (she’s a retired life coach). I had a plan to go see her with my kids at her campsite after I somehow escaped this grey prison. She changed the subject and we ended up talking about what I would need for camping. As we talked and talked, the ocean around the house started to get very wavy, like massive rolls that appeared to be farther and farther away, I just watched them from the window as they furled and unfurled across the massive blanket of water. My view expanded, it even felt like the house was a lot more elevated, my visual field felt like it stretched on forever and the space around me almost felt weightless. The dream world I was in, was big, so big and so alive. I was barely standing, hardly grounded, and the pressure of gravity was weak. It was like I had a completely different anatomy but still had my conscience. Distance was altered, my sense of perception was totally different than in reality.

I started to gather my things from around the huge empty house, and found a window in what seemed to be a guest bedroom, and the waves were now evidence that it was going to be a grey, cold and rainy few days. My “dream map” of Vancouver, and the island here, is pretty much identical to the real map, but in my dreams everything is a lot bigger, longer, taller, higher.

I started to feel cold inside, as well as sad.

“I’m gonna have to cancel camping, let’s have a phone chat instead, it’s really cold out and I don’t want the kids getting sick.” I said to my mom’s friend.

My mom’s friend understood.

I went back down to the kitchen, but before I wasted anymore time feeling grey I just decided I would wake up – no alarm.

At 6:53 I pulled myself back to my reality and shook it all off. Coffee time!

It brought up some big issues of course, like all of my dreams do pretty much lol. Not just issues around him but issues with myself. Like hurt feelings that I have always stuffed down, saying to myself “I’m so over it” when really I haven’t even felt the pain, the heartbreak.

So I need to let myself do that before I fully let go, and that’s what I learned. It’s so difficult.

xoxo

a girl and her dreams

image: Lexica – Anime painting, grey concrete structure on a cliff, coastal view, contemporary, high contrast, cell shading, strong shadows, vivid hues, azu…