a girl and her dreams

So, I recorded the dream I had and wrote it down in my last post from my audio memo notes on my phone. Here it is again:

“I had a dream I lived in this forest. There were all these sights. It was like this old village that was kind of run down and lost. And I was trying to connect – and there were these tests and they were kind of like medical tests but like, mental, I guess. Tribal medicine. And I had, like, a family member there and I felt like a child. (I fell asleep while the recording went on for a few minutes) And so eventually I got to a clinic, it was professional, but it was like still in the middle of this massive village. It’s kind of like an open clinic. And this professional had all these like testing tools, and put these things on my eyes, and was like testing my nervous system, I guess. It was fascinating. And um, (pause) I think I started to realize that I was pretty special. It was really different. And I felt my calling was bigger. I don’t know why I was dreaming this. (long pause for breathing) Ya the tests were like, specifically for me. And I could see differently, like I could see, like feelings and stuff it was really weird. Kay if I remember more I’ll record more.”

I actually don’t really remember this dream. I’ve been trying since I shared it in my last post. I thought by just jumping a little ahead into the future I might find a space I could clearly allow it to come through but it’s not.

Since the dream I keep having the same kind of dream everynight about me building myself back up psychologically through imagery.

I haven’t been sleeping well, and there has been a lot of grief that has surfaced for me, I mean, it has been said that where there is grief there is a lack of love. I even saw this quote today on The Humble Spirit on Facebook. It didn’t surprise me because I’ve been in this complex wonderment of how one can feel so much joy while still crying incessantly over loss, and yet the grief is exactly what allows that joy in. Love is exactly that act of finding balance for one’s self. Love is the natural chemistry that happens when you hold space for both.

Grief is love that hasn’t been felt yet, and maybe the love I never received has been an emptiness taking up space in my heart in the form of grief for too long. I don’t enjoy being the daughter of someone who has no interest in me. I can’t lie.

It’s been over 2 weeks now since that dream with the little yellow military house, it is now Monday, so 2 weeks and 1 day. In that time, I have been more scatter brained than I ever have, my house has become chaotic, my youngest has been extremely sensitive, work has felt like war. Yet somehow those are all the challenges that make me happy, the ones that are the hardest. I thrive on love. I don’t know how anyone could not love their offspring.

Having to see my biological donor in my dream has only made me stronger. I am strong enough now to dump all that isn’t mine and move on with or without his awareness of it.

I’ve had to do a lot of letting go of parts of myself in my weird and patchy dreams in the last 2 weeks, and while I have been doing that, I have woken up many times in the night with discomfort and pain. It’s a good sign that I am working these unwanted emotions through my system and out the door…out of my body, out of my temple. There are residual feelings of being not good enough, of needing approval, of needing to be accepted, or being abandoned. I’m done with them.

I’ve been dreaming of my head, my brain, my psychological space and looking into myself, deep into my eyes and my thoughts and vision. I have been doing emotional surgery on myself in my dreams.

The need for approval from a father that was never there has come up in such a way that it brought back old patterns, old behaviors, old self-limiting beliefs. I am tired. Exhausted. (Sigh) But this work is necessary to unblock creative energy and relationship potential, all relationships… especially the ones with my kids.

In these 2 weeks I’ve only recorded 1 dream, the one in this post (and the last post) and somehow, it’s the ones I didn’t record that I actually remember. I think a lot of people want to lucid dream and train to get better at it, but they don’t realize how important this more abstract work is. These less lucid dreams are very psychological and they are what really makes you face stuff. My body and my mind don’t want to move on to another lucid dream, another journey in the dream world right now. I feel stuck. I feel the way I look when I see myself in my dreams. And when the dream happened last Sunday it was very clear I needed to deal with this “crap”.

It’s not just the lack of effort and love on his part, it’s a long line of events, a string of attachments, many defecits and they all belong to me. It was all on me (and my mom) and I am owning it.

It’s 11:11. OMG!

So much of this is also to do with the crowd of people at the beginning of my blog. Especially the one I thought I was in love with. I’m writing a lot about that in my book so I won’t get into it…not here anyway, maybe in another post. Maybe I need to admit there has been one serious heartbreak in my life and that I always avoid that it happened and now I’m paying for it, lol.

Love is not always easy. Sometimes it hurts. Obviously I’m not over this pain. The beautiful thing is I am working through it and when I’m on the other side there will be some freedom. I hope.

Many people never actually acknowledge their pain, they just keep layering more and more temporary solutions over it and act like they never cared.

I realized that I may need some counselling here and there. I may actually need a counsellor in my dreams. I’m going to do a collage of how I looked in my dreams. Obviously no one will ever be able to see what I saw, but I think this would be a good exercise. It was kind of like a 3D photo that mechanized itself and broke apart and started to actually open up and fall apart. But it was the only way in to understand what was happening to me.

I’ve been talking a lot…to myself…in my dreams and validating my feelings and the events that took place in a domino effect in my life, like an avalanche. The whole era that all of this comes from really tore me apart. I never realized just how badly it burned me. It’s time to start healing in a new way. I know I won’t ever lose my dreams, but I definitely lost that whole battle – for love – and I’m still a little traumatized.

Daddy issues are real.

This past 2 weeks and 1 day have been brutal. I’m ready for a refreshing dream journey now.

Thank you for being here to learn about me and my illusions of love. It means a lot to me to have a little space to share. I’ll be working on my book and art like I planned two weeks ago. Hopefully tomorrow I am back on track.

xoxo

a girl and her dreams